On my absence...

A lot has been going on lately. I think a list will help me sort it all out.

-I got a job as a photographer for the portrait studio at JCPenney! My first photography job! Only better ones from here on out. I'm really doing this whole thing. It's such a relief to find something in my field. My former classmates can't say the same thing... yet. Leaving school has put me at an advantage. I never really thought I'd hear myself say that.

-I was sick for 2 weeks. I had a cold, an ear infection and bronchitis in that order. I couldn't do anything other than work for those 2 weeks. I had to save all my energy for work.

-My grandpa is dying. He went into the hospital 2 weeks ago with pneumonia. There's been a bunch of complications. I don't feel like listing them out, but there's a lot. It hurts me so much to see such a strong man suffer so much. Up until he went to the hospital he mowed the lawn of the farm my mom and aunt own (it was his a long time ago but he had to give up farming in the 1960s). He used to go driving all over town visiting his friends. And now he's practically a skeleton because he hasn't eaten much. We thought we were going to lose him earlier this week. The image of his hallowed face haunts me. Every time the phone rings, I scream because I think that it's going to be "the call." I'm so exhausted from being  "on edge." It's going to sound cruel but I want him to just go because it's so painful seeing him suffer. He always said he never wanted to go like this. My mom used to work in a nursing home and he would always tell her "I don't want to be a god damned vegetable!" He's become what he never wanted to be. I am relieved that he has stated that there will be no funeral or calling hours. When my grandma died about 3 years ago, that was the hardest thing to go through. I know that this time would be the worst because he's my last grandparent. He was a town judge and I wanted him to perform the marriage ceremony for my fiance and I.